by Jonathan David Morris
To: The American People
From: The White House
Re: Glasnost, Perestroika, and You
Greetings! By now you’re probably wondering why the heck you’re getting a letter from the White House. The answer to that question is simple: Because we’re coming to get you! Ha ha. No, just kidding. Bet we fooled you for a second, though, didn’t we?
But seriously, folks, the reason you’re getting this letter is quite simple. Basically, it’s come to our attention over the last few weeks that many Americans think we’re doing a terrible job of running the country. Obviously, nothing could be further from the truth, unless something happened to be further from it. But your confusion is perfectly understandable, given the circumstances.
Unfortunately, in a nation of 300 million people run by a small, tight-knit group of men, it’s impossible for every American to truly know what goes on behind the impenetrable doors that we lock and seal with guards whenever we hold our meetings. Sometimes this leads to hilarious misconceptions about what we’re doing and how well we’re doing it.
Like we said, your confusion is perfectly understandable. But we’d be remiss if we didn’t take the time to personally clear things up.
So here goes.
Misconception No. 1: Many Americans think we’re doing a terrible job of running the country.
Wrong-o! At the moment, President Bush enjoys a 35 to 40 percent approval rating, depending on who you talk to.
In 1935, the greatest baseball player of all time, Babe Ruth, retired with a .342 career batting average. Think about it. This is Babe Ruth we’re talking about here.
Babe Ruth only hit the ball 35 percent of the time. George Bush, on the other hand, only bottoms out at a .350 approval rating. And he tops off at closer to .400. These are Ted Williams-like approval numbers. George W. Bush is basically like the Ted Williams of U.S. presidents.
Still think we’re doing a terrible job? Do the math. And don’t believe the spin.
Misconception No. 2: A growing consensus around the nation believes we fixed the intelligence to start the Iraq War.
You want to know what we fixed? The Oscars. You don’t think Crash really deserved Best Picture, do you? Of course it didn’t. You’ve never even heard of Crash. When did it come out? Who the hell is in it?
Brokeback Mountain was positioned to win Best Picture, and we had to act—as a matter of national security. It was a tough decision, no doubt about it. But had we sat idly by, homosexuality would’ve erupted like mushroom clouds over major American metropolises.
We’re very intelligent people. We had the intelligence to prove it.
So ask yourself: If you were in our position, which American city would you have been willing to risk?
(San Francisco’s already pretty gay, so don’t say San Francisco. That doesn’t count.)
Misconception No. 3: The White House doesn’t care about [insert ethnic minority here].
Actually, it’s been a while since we’ve heard the race card pulled out on us, but we just thought we’d bring it up, since we’re the only ones in this country who supported open borders and the Dubai Ports World deal.
Seriously, we deserve more credit for this.
We’re living in a country of freaking xenophones.
Misconception No. 4: The word is “xenophobes,” not “xenophones."
No, it isn’t. It’s “xenophones.”
Okay, okay—it’s really “xenophobes.” Sorry for the typo.
Misconception No. 5: The White House leaked on CIA agent Valerie Plame, because her husband, Joseph Wilson, wanted Dick and Bush to pull out, and Dick and Bush wanted to keep going.
The press would have you believe the president and vice president leaked on Ms. Plame after her husband talked dirty about the war and asked them to pull out. But we can assure you Dick didn’t leak on Ms. Plame, and Bush didn’t leak on her, either. We firmly believe Ms. Plame leaked on herself, because she couldn’t hold it in anymore. Eventually, the truth will come out, and Dick and Bush will both get off.
Misconception No. 6: The United States is currently planning a tactical nuclear strike on Iran.
This is ridiculous. Just think about what you’re saying here.
First of all, if we were going to nuke Iran—which we’re not, but if we were—why in the world would we tactically nuke them? If the goal is to stop nuclear proliferation, wouldn’t it make more sense to just wipe Iran off the map and show the international community precisely how bad nukes are?
Secondly, it’s like OJ Simpson once said: Even if we were going to nuke Iran—which we’re not, but, again, if we were—we would only do it because we really, really love them, you know?
(Okay, that may not have been OJ who said that. It may have just been Tim Meadows playing OJ on SNL. Either way, we think it rings true.)
So there you have it, America. All of your most pressing concerns and misconceptions have been dealt with—hopefully to your satisfaction, as well as our own.
Now, if you’ll excuse us, we’re going to return to our undisclosed location underground for the next several months, and we’ll be back next February 2nd to answer any further questions you may have.
The White House
P.S.: Hi Mom!
P.S.S.: Our mom, not your mom.
P.S.S.S.: Okay, hi to your mom, too.
Jonathan David Morris is a political writer -- and sometimes satirist -- based in Pennsylvania. A strong believer in small government, JDM often takes aim at oppressive taxes, entitlements, and laws, writing about incompetence at the highest levels of culture and government. Catch his weekly ramblings at readjdm.com.