by Jonathan David Morris
Two and a half years ago, I wrote a column called So Long, and Thanks for all the Fish, in which I came out against the Iraq War before war supporters coming out against the Iraq War was cool. Ive always looked back upon that column fondly, but I have to admit it created a moral dilemma for me. As I told some friends at the time, coming out against the war almost felt like coming out of the closet. All of a sudden, Id done something which seemed to be completely at odds with my very manhood. I knew people would never look at me the same way again. And for some reason, this made me feel like I needed a new brand of hair gel.
I dont expect what Im about to say here to carry the same weight as my anti-war coming out party. But in a way, what Im about to say feels pretty much the same to me.
Something has been on my mind the last few months, which I can no longer ignore and certainly cant continue to deny. After many years, I have finallyand perhaps irreversiblygrown equal parts sick and tired of my once-favorite sitcom, Seinfeld. I still think its funny, and I still think its brilliant, but as hard as I try, I just cant watch it anymore. Not five times a day in syndication. Not even once.
Someday, Im sure I will find it enjoyable again. But at this point, if I never saw a single episode for the rest of my life, I would live.
To understand why I think my waning interest in this show is column-worthy, let me put it this way: Theres a better than not chance that you know exactly which episode the term column-worthy is semi-referring to (i.e., the sponge episode). Seinfeld has become deeply ingrained in modern American culture. Its not just a sitcom. Its a common denominator. Some might even call it a language.
Few of the people I know stopped speaking that language when Judge Vandelay sentenced Jerry, Elaine, George, and Kramer to prison for being bad Samaritans in the final episode eight years ago. Many folks still swear by this show. And as little as a year ago, I did, too.
But I cant take it anymore. I just cant watch it now.
Six months ago, I found myself starting to feel bad whenever I stumbled upon a rerun. I would quickly change channels, as if I was hiding from some sort of social responsibility.
Today, I no longer even feel bad. If I come across a rerun, I just curl my lip and keep moving. This isnt like me. Im really not a lip curler.
What I am, though, is bored. And I dont think its the shows fault. I think its the fans. I think its anyone who not only still feels the need to reference Seinfeld in casual conversation, but the need to smirk in the process, as if theres anything clever about quoting a show that everyone knows every line to, that went off the air almost a decade ago.
I dont expect this to sit well with too many people, but someone has to say it already. Someone needs to point out that all these smirking Seinfeld references are only cheapening the show.
I hate to break it to you, America, but theres no longer anything interesting about real people celebrating the fake holiday of Festivus. And when you talk about needing hand in your relationships, it no longer tells me youre keen to the hilarious difficulties men and women have faced in their efforts to get together over the years. It tells me youve learned next to nothing about those hilarious difficulties since the final episode of Seinfeld. That was 1998. This is 2006. For Gods sake, get with the program.
We can all find the humor in licking cheap envelopes or not being allowed to eat soup. But if you feel the need to reference Georges dead fiance or the infamous Soup Nazi when someone licks an envelope or orders soup in public, I no longer think youre creative or hip to pop culture. What I think is that Seinfeld died eight years ago and you havent stopped sitting shivah for it. Youre still mourning the show about nothing, which essentially means youre a person about nothing. Normal people have moved on and found new favorite sitcoms. Watch Curb Your Enthusiasm. Watch My Name Is Earl. Watch The Office. Trust me. Theyre good.
Im not saying we should stop liking Seinfeld, and Im certainly not saying we should forget it. Im just saying were still obsessed with quoting a show where the main character wears tight black jeans and white sneakers. That sort of thing shouldnt fly in post-9/11 America. It gets to a point where enough is enough.
Jonathan David Morris is a political writer -- and sometimes satirist -- based in Pennsylvania. A strong believer in small government, JDM often takes aim at oppressive taxes, entitlements, and laws, writing about incompetence at the highest levels of culture and government. Catch his weekly ramblings at readjdm.com.