by Jonathan David Morris
Former beard wearer and popular vote winner Al Gore has a new movie out this month called An Inconvenient Truth. In it, he makes the case that humans have but ten years to reverse course and stave off the horrors of global warming. Assuming this thesis is anywhere near trueóand what the hell, letís just say it isóI can still think of at least three reasons why Iron Alís movie might not make a difference:
1. Because itís a movie: People may well walk out of theaters planning to fight global warming. Thatís great, but people may well walk out of Superman Returns planning to fly home.
2. Because heís Al Gore: Letís be honest with ourselves here. It doesnít matter if his facts are accurate, or if his intentions with this movie are genuine. He can tell every interviewer in the world this film has nothing to do with him running for president. I can think of at least 60 million Bush voters who arenít going to believe him, who will probably contribute to global warming on purpose just to spite him.
3. Because saving the world is like voting for president: I donít recycle. I also donít take elections seriously. This is no coincidence. In both cases, I realize I wield little personal power.
Now, all that said, I want to be more than the bearer of bad news here. I think An Inconvenient Truth is a convenient starting point for changing hearts and minds on the global warming issue. But in order to truly make a difference, I believe it needs some sort of marketing tie-in. People need to know this problem hits close to home. And they need to know it transcends mere politics. They need a reason to cross partisan boundariesóa reason to unite on the steps of Capitol Hill and hold hands and sing the Pledge of Allegiance and/or We Shall Overcome.
Only one thing can compel people to act this way. And that one thing is Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolieís baby, Shiloh.
In order to stop global warming, Al Gore has to threaten to kill that baby.
I know this is going to make a whole lot of people a whole lot of uncomfortable. But when you get right down to it, itís the only way.
Just think about how big a deal this baby is for a moment. For months and months and months, the whole world watched and waited for word of its birth. Weíre talking about the whole world here. Moses never got this sort of press. Jesus never got this sort of press.
Now that itís born, this Shiloh kidís an even bigger deal than ever. Whole cults are practically popping up around the thing. Itís weeks old and itís already starting fashion trends. Magazines are paying enough to feed whole countriesóand even enough to feed small planetsójust for pictures of the tyke. Why? Most of us want nothing to do with anyone elseís baby pictures. Baby pictures annoy people. And yet, in the case of Shiloh, peopleóand Peopleójust canít get enough.
This kidís soiled diapers would outsell almost anything else currently listed on eBay. There is very little chance that you, me, or anyone else reading this article will ever see as much money in our lifetimes as this stupid baby has already commanded in just under a month. This is power. Real power. And Al Gore would be crazy not to tap into it. Simply put, Shiloh is the only creature alive at the moment with the power to stop peopleís high-pollutiní ways.
What Iím proposing would take very little effort on Goreís part. And, if done correctly, it may take little actual infanticide on his part, too. Matt Lauer usually sets aside at least half an hour of Shiloh time each morning between war updates and domestic politics on the Today Show. Simply use that time to go on TV and let the People of Earth know theyíre facing two grave problems. One, global warming. Two, the clubbing of Young Brangelina like a baby seal. Then encourage them to log onto the official Inconvenient Truth website, climatecrisis.net, to learn how changing a light bulb and adjusting their thermostat can cool down the planet and ensure the continued existence of the worldís most popular little poop factory.
And thatís it.
I realize this solution is a tad unconventional. It may even be wrong in some sense or another. Or illegal. Or just plain not funny. But itís not intended to be funny. Itís intended to save the planet. And I am certain it will work.
If Iím wrong? Well, then Iím wrong, and Iím sorry, and Shiloh dies a martyr, and polar bears start melting, and the oceans swallow New York. But if Iím right? Then by the time this kidís ten and stops being cute and starts doing coke in the bathroom at Drew Barrymore parties, the world will be a happier, healthier, and environmentally friendlier place.
Jonathan David Morris is a political writer -- and sometimes satirist -- based in Pennsylvania. A strong believer in small government, JDM often takes aim at oppressive taxes, entitlements, and laws, writing about incompetence at the highest levels of culture and government. Catch his weekly ramblings at readjdm.com.