by Jonathan David Morris
It seems like the Transportation Security Administration really put a lot of thought into which items they decided to ban from airplanes. I was checking out their guidelines the other day before making a trip for St. Patricks Day Weekend. Unfortunately, you can no longer fly with rolled-up tubes of toothpaste. On the other hand, theres no limit to the number of prosthetic breasts you may pack.
The TSA currently requires all liquids, gels, and aerosols to be in three-ounce or smaller containers. These containers cant be loose in your carry-on luggage. You have to place them in a single, clear, one-quart, zip-top plastic bag. All other plastic bags are obviously for terrorists. Which is weird, because the TSA doesnt specifically ban you from packing terrorists inside your clear, one-quart, zip-top plastic bags. As long as you have just one of these bags, you can probably pack as many terrorists as youd like. Just make sure to leave room for all those prosthetic breasts youll be packing. My idea of a fun vacation involves clear plastic terrorists and unlimited prosthetic breasts.
Under Makeup & Personal Items, the TSA allows airline travelers to travel with such things as cigar cutters, nail clippers, and Toy Transformer Robots. Im not sure whether these robots count as makeup or personal items. The TSA doesnt say.
The TSA also allows you to travel with toy weapons, as long as they arent realistic replicas of actual weapons. However, you arent allowed to travel with brass knuckles, throwing stars, or snow globes.
Under the Sharp Objects category, the TSA bans box cutters, ice picks, and meat cleavers. This makes no sense, since I routinely need to cleave meat while in the air. The TSA also prohibits bringing sabers onto airplanes. I cant imagine any situation in which I would even carry a saber, let alone bring a saber onto an airplane. But I guess it happens more often than you think.
Most tools are prohibited, such as axes and hatchets, cattle prods, and hammers. I do most of my hammering on the ground, so that wont be a problem. However, I wouldnt mind packing a cattle prod sometimes. It really annoys me how slow people move when it comes time to get off the plane.
The TSA doesnt say whether youre allowed to store your wives or kids in the overheads, if you happen to come from that kind of culture. My guess is you can bring any and all chattel slaves, as long as you put them in one of those bins when you take off your shoes at the x-ray machines.
Of course, the agency goes into great detail about a number of other items, such as firearms, fuels, and pieces of sports equipment. But at the end of the day, Id like to think they could save us all a lot of trouble by simply dividing every single material object in the world into one of two basic categories. Either its stuff that can kill people, or stuff that cant. Thats it. Those are the only two distinctions you need. The only problem with this is you can probably find a way to kill people with just about anythingincluding airplane seatbelts, in-flight magazines, and even clear, one-quart, zip-top plastic bags.
I guess thats just the kind of world were living in.
Jonathan David Morris is a political writer -- and sometimes satirist -- based in Pennsylvania. A strong believer in small government, JDM often takes aim at oppressive taxes, entitlements, and laws, writing about incompetence at the highest levels of culture and government. Catch his weekly ramblings at readjdm.com.